I'm not mad at you, I just have a very difficult time deciphering your posts to me and so my replies to you might be somewhat less than what others receive. You say you were moved to tears over this last bit I left? Read on and see my explanations, but let me say that I didn't mean I was leaving as soon as you might think. You all jump to conclusions far too quickly.

I've answered you privately, but so I do not appear overly callous, I will also address your angry words here. I don't write to evoke declarations of love and devotion from anyone. I know, with startling accuracy, how you and so many others feel about me. I don't need to resort to a game I've seen so many play on this forum and say oh, boo hoo, I'm leaving unless a crowd cries and demands I stay. That's not my style and you know it, so don't infer with your questions that I'm doing such a thing. With what I said in that message, it should be clear enough that I'm aware of such feelings. If ever I want to move on to something else, and you point out, I will do exactly as I want, and nothing will stop me. There are however, considerations that for now, keep me here, and so bleeding or not, here I am.

A pleasure to make your introduction. Thank you for a heartfelt post. I do chat yes. Once you've made a contributory amount of posts on this forum, mail me for the password and instructions. I do go to chat as I said, though lately I haven't managed to stick around long as I've found the level of conversation a bit lacking. Hey, I'm honest but at least I leave before I just tell everyone what I'm really thinking.

It always touches me to hear that I've come to have a special place in someone's life when nothing else seemed right. I don't look to be comfort and salvation. Actually considering what I am, that's rather ironic, don't you think? Still, so long ago I desired goodness, and do even this night as I sit here. I think, no matter what happens, no matter where I go or what I do, I'm beginning to believe I've achieved my goal at least somewhat. The hearts of the multitude indeed.

Good for you then to be writing. It's always cathartic, isn't it? I haven't actually sat down to write anything in some time, but I will, soon enough I can promise you and I think the next effort toward letting others read my life and thoughts will be most surprising, even to myself.

See? You have it again with the use of that word "Witness". That is it indeed, my friend. Sitting complacent on the throne of life and watching it pass me by, with a curious interjection now and then, or some diversion to my own means, but yes, witnessing.

To live in the immediacy of the present certainly will get no argument from me, Antinoo. I think I've been guilty of saying "Damn all that and give me what I want NOW!" So no, your present tense thinking doesn't sound cold or pessimistic to me. I can sympathize quite well. It isn't so much that I'm "worried" about the future, as much as I'm merely "witnessing" it as well; I watch it come knowing that ultimately, it too shall pass.

Yes it does sound selfish to be lamenting a missed trip to Europe, but then who am I to criticize selfish thoughts and wishes? Many things in this world would never have been accomplished had it not been for those stepping outside of what was safe, or those too concerned with the perception of selfishness. Unfortunately, you're not in a position to make the judgment call on your own, so I guess you're stuck listening to the directives of others. Just remember that sometimes, people know what they're talking about, even when you don't think they do.

Your welcome, though I didn't leave them for any particular ovation. Merely these were my thoughts, as they are labeled and surely more like this post will follow. I usually have plenty to say.